Showing posts from 2011

Time for a Roadtrip

A group roadtrip will be fun tot ake in the future, but I don't want to go on one before I go on a solo trip. Where? I thought a lot about North Carolina (I have a state crush), the mountains, the lovely seasons. I want to see it and stay in a cabin somewhere overlooking the mountains. Other option is Tennessee, most likely Nashville. I've been there before, but want to experience all of it, lots of getting lost finding music holes and just photographing everything in site. Boston is another area that I'd like to experience, so we will see.Me + car= a week, a place, escaping. People are always saying do the things while you're single that you can't do as often when you get married. Well here we are. At that crossroad again.

Misreading Misinterpretations

This is probably one we can all attest to. Misreading signals of a fella, and then building it up that it plays a more significant role in your life than it ought to.Yup. I did that in the span of a week. I met a guy at a friends birthday dinner. We hit it off, so I thought, and then went our merry ways. {Misinterpretation #1}. Come Sunday, I see him again and realize that it sounds like he's pining for my number. We talked a little on Sunday about where to eat (a group) and the restaurant we ended up at is one that he ended up going to even though he already had dinner. {Misreading #1} I get to the restaurant and he later walks in saying he had to honor his word because he said he would stop by.{Misreading #2} I email him my number to invite him to group activities that aren't last minute. He texts me back with a funny joke we picked up on Friday. Some things just aren't meant to be read into. It was a simple task, email number for purposes of calling/ texting one another,…

My Type {I cringe typing that}

I have been adimant in saying that I never have or ever will have a type. I've just been made aware that I go weak in the knees for guys who have dark hair and piercing light gray, blue, green, hazel, or brown eyes. Basically any eye color. I have thought long and hard about it, convincing myself that I am neither swayed or pulled completely in one direction of a look. That still stands true. I will not turn away a red head, a blonde, or an in-betweener. I like them all. However, I find myself highly susceptible to what a pair of fine eyes that can bestow.I think I wrote down a list of sorts of all the guys I had crushes on from the time I was 5 until now. (Yes, I remembered my first crush. My pastor's son, Scott. Then in my own grade, kindergarten, Philip. I still know last names, but I am protecting those last names.) Scott was a dark haired kid with these beautiful big seafoam green eyes and full lips. Don't worry, I didn't think this way as a five year old, I just …

Small Bucket List


Preparation D, L, M, F {Family}

Preparing for family. I love babies. I have thought about having a family of my own, but have never had one of those "my clock is ticking everytime I hold a baby" moments. Kids make me happy, they bring a wonderful outlook on life that I think sometimes I take for granted. It really is the little things. For whatever reason, in conversation with guy friends I do not openly admit my love for kids and wanting my own some day because there is always this weird stigma attached to women that do that. Kudos to them for SAYING what they want. I don't know why I fear saying certain things. Maybe I don't fear it as much as I'm blowing it out of proportion, but I do often times cautiously approach the conversations even though I shouldn't have to. It's something I want in my future. Many a friends are having babies, I'm changing diapers, rocking them to sleep, and giving them their food. In my single brain, babies=$$$$. I love them, but in no way ca…

Preparation D, L, M, F {Marriage}

Preparing formarriage is the thing that stands out the most. I would love to have a well paying job. Not only to provide for myself, but to make sure that my loans are taken care of without relying so heavily on joining in a partnership. I have talked to a few of my girl friends that honestly believe that the debts they have should be paid off by their future husbands.

What's mine is yours baby!
Hmmmm........ I haven't found peace in that mindset.

Even if I can pay off 50-80% of my student loans right now I'd be elated. If not, then I will be working my butt off so that isn't a major factor in our marriage. Finances are one of the things in life that stress most people out. Not having money and being on your own is one thing, not having money and having to provide for someone else is another. Not having money and having a family is out of this world.
Thankfully marriage is based on many decisions that you are talking over with the person you …

Preparation D, L, M, F {Love}

Preparing forlove is being able to relinquish certain parts of your heart that you've held hostage for the person you want to be with. This person you share more with, you are so raw and real with them, that it scares you more if they will even stay with you knowing all that you've told them. Same goes for them, preparing yourself to be willing to take what they say to you in trust and honesty. I think its probably like a euphoric feeling, unexplainable elation in meeting someone who trusts you enough to share those things with you and also that you can handle their baggage and they can handle yours. Truth be told, I don't think there is much else you can really prepare for in love except trying to be unconditional in loving the person.
Until then, I'm loving the ones I'm with, appreciating them for they are, and who they are becoming. That's the good thing about love- it doesn't just stop with the one that you want to be with for th…

Preparation D, L, M, F {Dating}

Listening to a podcast earlier in the week about how as a single person, I need & should be preparing myself for the likes of marriage.The title is for dating, love, marriage, family. These are things I think of probably 80% of the time. Usually not all day, and usually in tiny increments of me watching a movie or tv show, or out exercising. If you haven't gathered, even slightly, I tend to make lists. Sometime I succeed at finishing them, other times I get distracted and toss it out. My list anyways, not set in stone, just something to help me keep somewhat focused. Preparing for dating is not really in most people's minds at all, considering they've been on dates, dated, or have boyfriends. I have to look at in terms of how to make myself better for the person I am dating. Let's discuss; If I don't want to date a judgmental guy, I have to work on not being judgmental. If I want him to be wise with his finances and spending, I need to be wise with my finances/s…

Relationships are like an ocean and a rock

I've been waiting for this. Another relationship has started up and its posted to Facebook. I actually had a dream about these two specific people dating each other, but told neither one of them. Its not that I don't want to see them happy, I just don't feel like being in the same vicinity of their happiness right now.
What's next? Pout, scream and complain? Nope.
Move on. I prayed for God to do something, He did. My prayer was answered.
The relationship status made itself known on my news feed and my heart went into throat. Its still lodged there. Kind of like choking in someone else's cigarette smoke and never being able to clear it from your system until you walk away from the culprit.
I hid the news feed, on all days, on his birthday. Happy Birthday to him! Happy Birthday to me, it only came 3 months later.

All I have to say is, alright God, what next? Bring it!

captivated Heart

Tuesday Videos

Papier Mache XOXO
I can't decide on whether this is sweet and adorable or strangely too adult-like for children models? Cinematography is beautiful, but I'm trying to not have an unsettling feeling in my stomach about the kids.

Monday Ampersands

Waiting &Relationship
I am going to attempt to bring you something different every other day dealing with little things that go on in my mished moshed head. I love my brain and how intricate it can get, and with ampersands. For me, these two go hand and hand. When I feel more alert, I'll do a better one for you's guys. :)

Faith in things Unseen

{Hope & Faith} Hand in hand. Although I can't see the thing that I want in front of my face, I know that in time things will eventually fall into place. I am learning to enjoy what I have now, where I am now, and to be JOYFUL in this time. I may not be happy all the time, but I can bejoyful. Let me tell you, being joyful is a lot harder than being happy.


I guess you want to hear the story of how I defeated parts of my fear........... That saying, "when you love someone, you let them go", well I won't say that I loved the friend in that way, I have a strong sense of respect and like for him. I appreciate his honesty, even if and when he frustrates me at times. Yesterday was probably the first time he's really bothered me by what he said, and it's not because I didn't agree with it, its because he talked about something openly that I feel is more personal. That's all besides the point, the reason I conquered the fear is because I prayed for some courage. I openly and honestly talked to the girl that I believed he had liked over the summer. The two of us met up at Barnies for a chit chat, and had a good conversation. After pushing aside the nerves, I finally asked her what was going on between her and fellow friend. She explained to me her feelings for him, and I got out what I needed to say. I was and am in…

{Fear:Love} Part 3

Part Tres my lovelies.
Three quotes I've heard in the last week that make me giggle a little, but are actually pretty true to my life right now. {My Best Friend's Wedding}George commenting to Julianne chasing Michael chasing Kimmy Geroge: "Michael's chasing Kimmy?" Jules: "Yes!" Geroge: "You're chasing Michael?" Jules: "Yes!" George: "Who's chasing you? Nobody......get it?! There's your answer. It's Kimmy!" -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oiy! The sad realization that you aren't being pursued, but being the pursuer. That should be eye opening, no? Oui.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- {House} House talking to Dr. Hadley (Olivia Wilde's character) about coming to see him: Hadley: You need to stop calling me House House: Now why would you come all the wa…

Yesterday I Became Me

For once in a very long time I listened to myself. I also listened to God and no one else's opinion. I am going to be doing something tomorrow that would not ever seem out of the ordinary for who I was.
I have been listening to too many people for the last year in regards to relationships with guys. Guidance is one thing, opinions are another, and advice is a whole other story. If I'm not careful all three things that are intended to help me, become a detriment to God's clear voice and whether or not I can hear Him through the noise.
For most of my middle school and high school life, I was a very opinionated girl when it came to TRUE love. I sat back as friends dated one another, every month, and with each others friends. I was grossed out to say the least. My excitement for any couple usually was with the upperclassmen because I saw more stability in a 6 month- 1 year relationship with them over my own classmates who dated someone in our class or lower grade for a couple of…

{Fear:Love} Part 2

How can you not believein love?
I didn't say that.
How can you not believe in true love?
I didn't say that either.
I question what the phrase "the One" has played in my life.

After much consideration, reading, and observing the saying "the One", I have slowly and begrudgingly put myself in the category of the girl that dreams with her head in the clouds of meeting Mr. Perfect, for me. He comes with no problems, no baggage, no scary past, no disapproving family, etc.
I wasn't naive, I just prayed for someone who has overcome brokenness and their past. Alas, with a past comes some baggage, some hurt, not being fully healed, or having something being bandaged over a huge wound.
I have my baggage, and I still struggle with opening up that baggage because sometimes I think it may be too much for someone to handle. If I am not giving them a chance to help me in growth, I'm essentially telling them I don't trust them.
And trust me, I trust people quite often…

{Fear:Love} Part 1

Before you get hissy about my title, hear me out first.
My week has been filled with some confusion and then some c l a r i t y, and then confusion again!!!! But with prayer, some guidance, advice, and council, I have tried to put my best foot forward and NOT over analyze the situation.
In my head I never fantisized about meeting a prince of any kind, a knight in shining armor (which I used to call night and shining armor when I was little). Okay, maybe I thought 'my Wesley would come for me', but that was the only fictional one...... I mean c'mon, Cary Elwes {hubba hubba} I don't think I even considered the f a n c i e s t of them all, MR. RIGHT. Nope, the guys I've liked have been Mr. Right Now's. That's just me being an honest girl. I have had crushes on many guys, but had never dated any of them. What's that you say? Never dated?! GASPPPPP!!! How have you functioned? I will tell you my secret that's not really a secret, but it did keep me out of a…

A Little Test: Future Self {Part 1}

What I was thinking........
If there was a way to meet my future self, sit down at a coffee shop {not drinking coffee, but smelling how good it smells} and drinking tea, I would ask future self many obtrusive questions. This is how I imagine it would look like and sound like; {Future self sitting in the front by the window because she no longer dislikes being huddled in the back of places like a hermit, listening to music while reading a book, likely the Bible and taking notes. FS looking somewhat fashionable but not too obsessed in appearance} I must say, I look quite becoming in my older age. I'd say about 10 years from now, she seems to be comfortable in her own shoes and someone I could see myself hanging out with. A slight glimmer is on her left hand, nothing too big, and nothing too fancy (FS must've really gotten a gem of a guy, she followed through in keeping her sensibilty with the wedding ring). I pat myself on the back. Finally sitting down with future self, I'm…

Hello Invisible Friends

It's been 4 months! Can you believe it?!?!
So many amazing things have been happening since I last left a message. One thing is I am going to try much harder to post at least once a week. And by that, I mean keeping it real, and up to date with my current status and trying to make it as relateable as possible.

Um, lemme just start off by saying Spotify has entered my life. Wonderful SPOTIFY!!!! I just sang that in the tune of several different tunes of FREE MUSIC!
I have been on that bad boy non stop. Sharing music and listening to friends playlist! Wonderful. I will not catch you up on that after 4 months of not talking about anything.

In the month of July the biggest thing that happened was my birthday and spending it with some friends playing laser tag.
In the month of August I was finishing up doing some freelance work with a magazine called Relevant.
Then in September it was a big time of growth and learning. A lot of distancing and separation for …

something borrowed: spoiler, i'll be discussing most of the movie that involves the ending

i finally watched the movie. i waited to see it in the dollar theater, its not like it has anything so graphically stimulating that i needed to see it in an $8 movie theater. nope, 75 cents will have to do.
i didn't know what i was in for, except that it was a chick flick. i had prepared myself for what was to come. i knew heard from a friend that it was good and not typical and i immediately liked the sound of that. i went with my semi-emotional girl friend who has a boyfriend, but she just gets teary eyed on many sentimental things. first of all i was excited to see it for john krasinski alone. he's my shared husband in my head. i have stepped down from calling him my full time husband because he belongs to emily blunt, whom i adore, she's just as fierce at acting and comedically funny as he is.
so anyways, ethan (played by husband) the best guy friend. most of us girls have one. one we grew up with, or met in college and hit it off with and have kept everything at an …

Single Frustration

Those days when you get the peace that passes all understanding is an astonishing feeling.
Its the the days when you are a regular doubting Thomas. You don't believe that you can be good enough, not even as good as God created you to be for someone else.
I want to get to that point where I don't think I am too good for someone, but just right. I don't want my future spouse to think that they "lucked" out and they scored because "they don't deserve someone like me". I say that because I don't want to be like that, but I still don't think any of us are deserving of the many things God blesses us with.
I am ashamed of myself when I feel like God didn't create me "good enough" for someone. He created me specifically for someone and its been a process that I am still learning. I will tell you why I've felt this way. Churches, maybe not all churches, but the churches I've grown up in, did not discuss the value of relationshi…

Are You Content with being Single?

This is a question a few friends and I briefly discussed in a car, at 11:45 at night, in a bowling alley parking lot, devouring the delectable tastes of 49 cent and 59 cent hamburgers and cheeseburgers, fries, and Cocoa Cola bevies.
One girl friend responded, "No! I'm not okay with being single. I'm just saying, I'm not content with it."
We all kind of looked at her as she resituated her cheeseburger and laughed along with her in her curt response. Next was my guy friend who sits quietly through most group conversations, but I'm slowly learning he has an opinion on a lot of different things.
The girl asking the question assumed he was content with being single because he had just dropped a bombshell on all of our eager ears that his sister has 7 children and on her third marriage, and his brother has 7 children also. The questioner's response was, "No wonder you're okay with being single!"
He then says quickly, "Who said anything about me b…

Its finally here

The start of June 2011. I told myself that I'm going to make this my month of fasting, praying, and seeking God. Clearly that's not just a once a month out of the year type thing, but for this particular reason, I feel as if God is doing something great right now in my life.
If anyone knows me, at this point in my life, I'm a recent jobless grad relying on my parents for support financially and mentally, and looking for work day in and day out. And if I'm not looking for work the regular old fashioned foot to pavement way, I'm looking at alternative ways to get work.
To go back to what I was saying, God is doing something great in my life. I still have yet to put my finger on it, but I'm changing, and I like the change I see in myself. I am being challenged spiritually and mentally and I like it. I am developing friendships in the most unforeseen ways and I like it.
All of that to say that I have to do this. God wants me to go deeper and search His heart, find out…

Vestibule of Singledom

I will say that waiting isn't all bad. I've managed to learn who it is God is wanting me to be as a woman with character and a heart for other people. The waiting gets harder when everyone around you is getting called out of line to check out and meet their "one and only". It happens to everyone but sometimes we get the notion its only happening to us and we will not survive in a world of love without someone for us to love. Announcement: WE WILL SURVIVE. Gloria Gaynor didn't sing those words for nothing! Its inevitable that we as humans can get through a lot of things with a strong can do attitude. He may not be fun at all to get to the point of finding your strength, but man is it o so rewarding when we realized we got through that heaping mess of tears and woe is me lines whined to our friends. I'm guilty of it. Probably in every stage of my life, I wanted to be there for someone in a non platonic way that required me giving of my self in an unselfish mann…

Waiting vs Not Waiting

A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.
Jane Austen
The bitter truth of Jane Austen, as much as one doesn't want to think that way about themselves, this statement is mostly true. We all want to be loved, to love, and to experience love in our lifetimes, but sometimes we sacrafice the importance of a healthy relationship for the feeling of being in lust and confusing it with love. The debate of the waiters vs the non waiters has been ongoing as long as I've been the appropriate age to consider dating, courting, or marriage. Some of the friends who have been in relationships tell me I'm missing out, and the waiting friends tell me that the wait is worth it in the end. I have conflicting feelings on both sides. While I feel like being in a relationship at this point in my life will be one of the best things that has happened to me, I don't feel as if my heart has been bruised and battered by dating multipl…