Yesterday I Became Me

For once in a very long time I listened to myself. I also listened to God and no one else's opinion. I am going to be doing something tomorrow that would not ever seem out of the ordinary for who I was.
I have been listening to too many people for the last year in regards to relationships with guys. Guidance is one thing, opinions are another, and advice is a whole other story. If I'm not careful all three things that are intended to help me, become a detriment to God's clear voice and whether or not I can hear Him through the noise.
For most of my middle school and high school life, I was a very opinionated girl when it came to TRUE love. I sat back as friends dated one another, every month, and with each others friends. I was grossed out to say the least. My excitement for any couple usually was with the upperclassmen because I saw more stability in a 6 month- 1 year relationship with them over my own classmates who dated someone in our class or lower grade for a couple of weeks. Technically, that is not dating. The world may view those things differently than me, but I could care less. Dating should lead to something more concrete, and if not, you're just hanging out. I don't care if feelings are attached. I know people appreciate the actions of another to make their status known, but with actions, I need to hear what it is. If it isn't defined, I'm just as lost as a little child in a candy store.
All of that to say that I based a lot of experience of guys from my own experience in getting to know a guy through friendship. {If anyone is reading this, there is nothing wrong with that being the initial start to a relationship.....You know friendship- where you can see your compatibilities}. The other way was through observing friends hi-s and lo-s of dating, not dating, needing to have someone, etc. Call it what you want, observing is how children grow and learn as infants, why can't it apply to adults looking for the things that appeal to them?
Well now I'm in that same scenario. I have a friend. I like this friend. Friend and I had good times in the beginning of the year getting to know one another, and friend liked me. He showed signs of interest and I appreciate him. I didn't tell many people about my like for him, I didn't even tell him. I don't know why I didn't, but the moment has passed and now I'm hanging on a thread of what-ifs. Now, I have an opportunity to clear some things up, and I didn't ask anyone's opinion on it, because I realize more now that their opinions can have a huge impact on my future without me even realizing it.
I don't want to look back and that be the case, so I'm going through with this thing without their opinions or voices in my ear having me contradict this decision. I have heard, yes he likes you. Yes, I noticed he liked you. Does {fill in blank} like you?
I'll tell you why I waited in saying anything to him.......... over the summer, he told me that he liked this girl, but she left, and he had to shut off his feelings. I had just left to go to a friends wedding, but I knew I wasn't the girl he was referring to. Boohoo right? Wrong. Because I had a feeling something else was going on in his head, I figured another girl would be the main factor. I asked him if a girl was making him sad, in which he replied yes. After getting back home from my friends wedding, I knew I needed to step back from him. I didn't want to be his interim girl-friend until the other one came back.
He asked a friend when I was getting back {in which there would have been glee in my heart had he not told me his heart for another}. A group of friends hung out with me for my birthday, including him. It was a small gathering and he was the only guy amongst 4 girls, he was fine.
From July til about the beginning of September I had to put my feelings for him on reserve because I thought the other girl was back in the picture. Which she is, and that means I'm not going to be the third wheel. I don't know her feelings for him, and I keep hearing his feelings for her from everyone else but him. That doesn't seem fair in the slightest bit.
If he does like her, and she likes him............. well all the best to them. I want to see him happy. And this is sincere, I do think he deserves a great relationship, but I would rather neither of them get hurt or it be some premature thing.
You all probably think I'm crazy. In a world where you're told to get yours first, or go after what you want, I only want what God wants. If it isn't meant to be, it isn't going to happen. I don't want to be some crazy woman about chasing down some guy that isn't for me. You see that? Me pursuing.

On that bittersweet note.
Until next time.


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