Single Waiting

It's been a while since I've posted the likings of a romantic life or whatever you'd call it; but I have since moved back to Florida from Portland as of the end of January this year and the romancing of a new city has finally died. I can say I've had a lot of adventures as a single woman and have greatly enjoyed them. I've had time to contemplate in the singleness and figure out the areas I wanted to work on in myself that are still works-in-progress. I also took the time to not pressure myself with certain things in life because there really is no rush on any of it at the end of the day. The Earth still turns, the sun goes down, the moon comes up and vice versa. Life can get ahead of me sometimes, and I need to stop getting so caught up in what I can't control. Moving back home (deep down I know Florida will always be home) has kind of helped me realize all the things I knew to be important, but it was also a beautiful and painful journey of growing pains th...

The word self in the title used three times in succession is enough to make any person who is not used to being selfish turn into a spiral of confusion. The truth about it all is that we live in a society that glorifies and glamorizes selfishness, and demonizes those who for moments of time; do not look after themselves. Crazy fools we must be! Taking care of others before ourselves can come at a great cost; leveling with ourselves to be more aware of the obstacles we face in turning away from our own awareness can be unsettling. I fear living under the guise of disillusionment and not being able to see others before myself. I shy away from bringing too much attention to myself and I make myself pretty invisible in cases where I feel like I could take up too much space. For instance, in every home I've shared with other people (apart from my own family) I have just barely existed. Not knowing how to ask for things that I want, or asking for what I want and feeling as if I'm ...

When I people watch, I like to observe family dynamics and couples with babies, and young married couples who can't take their eyes off each other. I like when I see the simple transactions between young married couples that reveal things that could be easily overlooked. I was eating breakfast at a cafe and spotted a younger married couple that had come in with a baby carrier that housed their 2 month old. The husband placed the infant on the bench next to where he sat; while the wife got up to make an order. The sun was up and shining, the first day it's been like that since I've paid my visit to the rainy city of Seattle and where the husband was located, the wife had the sun directly beaming into her face. He switched spots with her so that he was now sitting in the sun, and she was in the tiny cove of shade that was provided by the nook. I thought, about how sweet and simple that one moment was, that he cared so sincerely for her and her needs before his own. Wr...

Here I am, almost a full year from the last time I posted and definitely in a different mindset. I'm in my car waiting for the rain to stop as I drive down back streets to start my errands a week before my sisters wedding. Yes, a lot has happened. The happiness I feel for my sister grows exponentially, but the weight I have in being dismissive of my own feelings lingers in the air. A year ago, I was just getting to know a guy who took the time to get to know me and pursued me and it was an amazing thing to experience. The downside is that from time to time, I have an ache in my heart that will not lay still; it stirs up at the most inconvenient moments. I would equate the feeling to the same as having lost one of my childhood friends and not having words to describe the sweet memories, so I would just burst into tears. Dated March 10, 2016 I have no more to add to this but the feelings have subsided. I sent one last birthday present to my birthday twin this year (7.31.2017) I...

...and sometimes it doesn't. My last post was ashamedly 4 months ago. In that amount of time; I have acquired a new position at work and am now working 40 hours a week. My manager thinks I've got the potential of stepping into a management level role in the future. So that's pretty cool. In regards to my personal life, my fun-filled 2 month hang out session ended on a good note. Our birthday wishes were given to one another a couple of weeks ago and I figure that is the door closing. Friendship would be nice, but I will not actively force it if it isn't what the other person wants. I don't know what is in my future in that area. I have thought about it probably as much as I have since I was in high school. It's basically the same story over and over again of me single/friends married, engaged, dating, babies. And I basically don't want to hear anymore pep rally pep talks. I guess at some point it goes from cheering up to patronizing. I've also le...

I can't believe I didn't document this, but then again, I figured I wanted to keep it a little close to me. This single and waiting girl had her first proper date after only being in a new city for a few weeks. It easily could have been a practical joke since it fell on/around April Fool's Day, somehow the joke was not on me this time around. The boy shall remain nameless, but shall be adequately described as appropriately and as accurately as possible. We found ourselves connected through social media which I have cringed at for many a years, and not for lack of trying, but for lack of adequate matches. In this case, we were matched, he asked a lot of questions that didn't seem obtrusive or weird, and I wasn't left wanting to cut all ties with social networking and their matchmaking schemes. He was rather direct, and within a week of us talking back and forth, he stated we seemed to be getting along well and preceded to ask me out on a day date. Ideal situation lea...

Taking the steps to move is sort of a big deal, second in making the decision to move. I knew I wanted to live in a new state, explore more states in fact; and most of that started with a desire to want to visit to Portland, Oregon. I didn't have the stones to just pack my car up and move across country without an idea of what I was going to do, so I made it a priority to find a job that would allow me to be able to transfer to another location without the headache of having no real plans. In comes IKEA, the light at the end of the Swedish Karlskoga tunnel. I started with the company back in 2013, and shortly found out all the amenities they offered. You may not call those amenities, but they have done nothing short of taking care of me as an employee and for that I will always be grateful and continue to put my efforts in being a well-rounded worker for them.  Here are a list of things you should consider doing if you want to take a hop across the pond, a drive across the street, ...

January is the abacus of the year. Constant numbers adding and subtracting from the start of goals and the end of them. Every year is a goal that is set because of the clean slate that is presented, but I have actively been trying to get myself out of that routine for the last few years now. The strain I have only ever felt upon not completing the laid out goals with terms and conditions led me to believe that I meant well for myself, but I wasn't sticking with any of the well-laid intentions. So I started to find things I needed to grow in, months before the new year; and actively started working on it without the stress of the first fresh day of the new year. So far it has worked for me, and I will continue to make changes for a lifetime, not for a stint of the new year. Now has come the time of a little wariness and it includes social media as usual. Every day, every week and month and year I feel it's nagging pressure to keep up with something/someone that I can't keep ...

I have been looking around my room a lot differently these days. Making mental notes of a keep, give, and toss pile and all I can say is I am not looking forward to the actual actions of doing so. These are things accumulated over the course of my prepubescent stages of life, as well as teenage years, and early adulthood.  Once I open a box that has notes and letters of the past, I can't help but sit down on the floor in the middle of the pile of papers reading everythig again. As if it was for the first time or experiencing déjàvu. I've noted my camera gear is an essential keep. My music, obviously a keep, and my dvd's...figuring out whether to part with 50% of it or less. The truth is most everything I own, aside from cosmetic products, I have forced myself to use consistently. If it hasn't been used in 6 months or more it is a give away or a toss. Now I am in a new situation that could potentially involve me moving very soon and I don't know how I feel yet only h...

You know that feeling you get when you meet someone for the first time; and who they are just makes you glad to know they exist even if you never see them again? You're happy to know that in a short amount of time you got to experience just a hint of that spark that you are glad other people get to have the same experience even if you only experienced it momentarily. I met someone like that, and it makes me ecstatic to know they exist in this world and in other people's lives.

I walked to the end of my terminal happy to have spent the time in a beautiful and magical city and with wonderful people. I was boarding my plane with a heavy heart that I was leaving something I wanted to be by my side the whole flight back home. A hot stream of water began to fill in my eyes, blurring my vision as I blinked to force them down my face. Why was I crying? I didn't even cry when I was leaving Italy... I had a mixture of heart pangs and being overwhelmed by gracious hosts. The hospitality I had experienced was something that made me feel warm and invited. I cried because I was leaving two cities that were destined to be called home in another year or so. I cried because my heart had attached itself. It had been warmed by the friendly dispositions of the city and had fallen for the character it possessed. The heart is a tricky thing when it wants to be. It can thrive on emotions, it can thrive on insecurities and hopes and words. It is a powerful well of strength when...

Alright my fellow friends and readers, this is one for the books. A story about a girl going to a city to fall in love with the opportunities. And did she. She fell in love so hard that her heart and head were undeniably made up.  She prepped for an adventure to see the side of the Continental U.S. That she had only ever read in books and seen on TV. Sure her fascination started on the likes of California first because she was smitten with the movie stars. Later on in life her perception changed of any true love for California, and she later often thought of those majestic mountains and deep emerald green forest placing itself on her heart. The northwest had somehow become a place of peace in her mind; an unintentional spot for home and deep roots.  Girl grew into a wanderluster, a fernweh enthusiast; always looking for her next big adventure even if in her backyard.  Her back yard, for 17 years, had consisted of a flat land in the south. Far from those rolling hills that...

"If you're going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don't even start." Words noted famously by Charles Bukowsi and also a handful of other people that have this mindset as the pinnacle of their lives. Traveling feels a lot like that quote. Today I am going on a solo adventure and there will be opportunities I might be a little afraid of because I will be by myself, but I would be more upset having not tried something different and new just because of fear.  Take last night for instance, I participated in eating green peppers. It's not a new thing, I've had it in food before, but not a dominant member of my food. And guess what, it wasn't half bad. I liked the texture of it with my food. Try getting me to eat red ones and you're just pushing it; but at least I tried and liked it. So there you have it. Short and sweet. To adventure is to take a risk.

I hope the dreary snow storms are treating you as right as rain and you're getting good source of vitamin d to your system.  I am now on my next pit stop in the great north west of Seattle. I am leaving Portland with a jubilant heart, wood-fired market fresh pizza in my belly, a sweet family of four that have been at the helm of my adventures, and feeling like I tasted Portland in just a small way that my interest will forever be peaked. I've drawn the conclusion (very early on) that I am going to move here. The sweet Wu family went above and beyond as hosts, and their sweet kids were a great addition to me seeing everything with excitement. I'm leaving Portland  as their newest foodie, an annual weirdo, a baby gear disassembler, and a rookie transit rider. Yes, Portland your vast green foliage has captured my imagination as well as my heart; all the winding roads were worth the end result of being on top of a fog drizzled mountain overlooking the slightly dulled, but color...

One post of many this week. I have made the decision to not bring my computer on this trip with me. The only thing I'll have on me are my computers and my phone. I will document my thoughts as they come, but will be out and about exploring.  It's times like this I am glad of modern explorations. Definitely no Columbus, but it feels so exhilarating to hop on a large plane, fly across North America in the span of a day and be in unique airports in America. I am finding that having the life of a traveller is my adrenaline rush! I walked through the first section of pat downs and tiresome winding lines, and my heart beat out of my chest as if I were looking at my crush for the first time. I calmed myself so I could make my way through the line without forgetting things.  Some people prefer skydiving and I prefer hopping on a plane and enjoying the occasional flight turbulence;  I told you, it's my adrenaline, knowing you could drop from the sky at any moment, but having sheer...

Around this time last year, I was on a plane, heading to Italy for what was one life altering experience in my late 20s. Tomorrow I will be experiencing what I believe to be the second shift in this journey of my late 20s. I had a purpose, I was renewed in spirit and God propelled things further than I could have imagined.  Now again I have that familiar growing pit in my stomach. Not to worry, it's all for good reasoning, and it's not a negative pit. It's a little like feeling hopeful of things to come: liking someone, but not knowing the outcome but still feeling really hopeful of the future to come. I have tried stepping on that wavering water as much as humanly possible and at times have looked down and started sinking, but God's hand came for me. His hand came for my heart; my hope; my hand. So I yank myself up again through the wavering thoughts and walk again.  This trip feels like my key to something I have waited for. I don't know how to explain it without ...

The soft sound of his voice lulled her to sleep. The strong operatic tones crackled from the speakers and it kept her awake. While she day dreamed of the day that was had, she could feel herself holding back a smile. The warmth of the sea sand, the whispers of the waves, the crunching sand beneath their toes. It was all a memory she couldn't forget. It was a day shared amongst friends, but he was all she saw. All that was in her memory. His strong stride, and protective barrier beside her. As she imagined herself back under the last days of the rushed summer sun, she couldn't help but feel its finality. Seeing him in the end of the summer days only made her want to make the most of it. She sat and watched the kids on the beach as the sun blistered their skin, running around with no inhibitions of life except for in that moment. She felt like the innocence of a child is something that she desired in the authenticity of communicating as an adult. The innocence of tho...

I thought I saw you when I was talking to you. Face to face. On the couch talking about life's passions. I thought I saw you when we both laughed uncontrollably about our childhood. Side by side. On the couch talking about life's passions. I thought I saw you when you waved; Hello. And goodbye. I didn't see you for who you were until I was supposed to. My veil was lifted and I saw you with more clarity. Now the moment is gone and I still see you. Still I see you in my mind. Still reliving moments. Conversations. Hugs. The seasons have come and gone and you're slowly fading. I see you, but in a distance. I say hi and bye, but I let you go.

I haven't taken to well with all these "single articles for friends" postings all over the interwebs. I know I'm single, I don't need a reminder from dating (out of the womb), engaged, or married people telling me of things they wish they knew when they were single-but-now-feel-it-necessary-to-pass-their-sage-advice-to-all-their-single-friends postings. I am not saying this to be mean or nasty, and that's not a precursor for me to say something mean or nasty, but we get it.  If any of my dating, engaged, or married friends would take a moment to realize that while my story and journey isn't completely unique because there are in fact other women out there like me, then I don't really need to hear the same dying monologue of the "when you least expect  it's". I know. I know it'll happen when it happens. I know that I have been on this little single journey for longer than most people have been married my age, combined with their dating...

Truth be told, I have a small tendency of falling in like with a variant of things. Sometimes becoming quite obsessive until I can get at the very thing that keeps dropping on my forehead like drops of consistent and incessant water. I understand this magnitude of honesty is probably slightly off-kilter, strange, or perhaps awkward... Can you tell I'm learning not to care? I think that for me, to love or like something passionately is just an extension of what God has created in me. I love people. I really do, but sometimes to the detriment of my well being. That includes but is not often, smothering them when I feel like they will leave. I love looking at cars; from specific makes and models, to the year and the body style. I like that I awkwardly studied and drew car insignias in my journals when I was little. That I quiz myself (even now, as an adult) to guess the model of a car at night based on just the shape of their headlights or tail lights. I don't know why it intrigue...