Self-Care. Self-Preservation. Self-Acceptance.
The word self in the title used three times in succession is enough to make any person who is not used to being selfish turn into a spiral of confusion.
The truth about it all is that we live in a society that glorifies and glamorizes selfishness, and demonizes those who for moments of time; do not look after themselves. Crazy fools we must be! Taking care of others before ourselves can come at a great cost; leveling with ourselves to be more aware of the obstacles we face in turning away from our own awareness can be unsettling.
I fear living under the guise of disillusionment and not being able to see others before myself. I shy away from bringing too much attention to myself and I make myself pretty invisible in cases where I feel like I could take up too much space.
For instance, in every home I've shared with other people (apart from my own family) I have just barely existed. Not knowing how to ask for things that I want, or asking for what I want and feeling as if I'm demanding them.
I like to live in a clean communal space--I have a lack of patience for anyone who does not clean up after themselves when they use a common area.Bathroom, kitchen, living room, etc. I remove my belongings from spaces where it feels as if my identity is slowly being erased. Yes, erased. When you don't want to appear or be selfish, you are willing to blend in so much so that you become silent. Your food no longer takes precedence in the fridge, the pantry, the cabinets. You don't even want your plates or silverware in the same space because there doesn't seem to be room for it.
So, what's a girl to do?
I'm still learning that this behaviour of mine that I have adapted to way too easily in the last 4 years is not okay. The space used is also my space. I am allowed to take up space, to be heard, to be seen, to be known.
I will not clean up your mess, because it is not my mess. I will clean up your mess if you act like this is a shared space, but if you assume I'm to clean it up because I live here; you are wrong.
In short, we just need to take care of each other if we're living with one another and it's understood that we all want a space to feel relaxed in. I have not known that feeling for some time, and have felt deep anxiety from that feeling and didn't know how to express it. Running away or moving out isn't a way to deal with it. People can't know if it's a struggle if I don't say something.
The truth about it all is that we live in a society that glorifies and glamorizes selfishness, and demonizes those who for moments of time; do not look after themselves. Crazy fools we must be! Taking care of others before ourselves can come at a great cost; leveling with ourselves to be more aware of the obstacles we face in turning away from our own awareness can be unsettling.
I fear living under the guise of disillusionment and not being able to see others before myself. I shy away from bringing too much attention to myself and I make myself pretty invisible in cases where I feel like I could take up too much space.
For instance, in every home I've shared with other people (apart from my own family) I have just barely existed. Not knowing how to ask for things that I want, or asking for what I want and feeling as if I'm demanding them.
I like to live in a clean communal space--I have a lack of patience for anyone who does not clean up after themselves when they use a common area.Bathroom, kitchen, living room, etc. I remove my belongings from spaces where it feels as if my identity is slowly being erased. Yes, erased. When you don't want to appear or be selfish, you are willing to blend in so much so that you become silent. Your food no longer takes precedence in the fridge, the pantry, the cabinets. You don't even want your plates or silverware in the same space because there doesn't seem to be room for it.
So, what's a girl to do?
I'm still learning that this behaviour of mine that I have adapted to way too easily in the last 4 years is not okay. The space used is also my space. I am allowed to take up space, to be heard, to be seen, to be known.
I will not clean up your mess, because it is not my mess. I will clean up your mess if you act like this is a shared space, but if you assume I'm to clean it up because I live here; you are wrong.
In short, we just need to take care of each other if we're living with one another and it's understood that we all want a space to feel relaxed in. I have not known that feeling for some time, and have felt deep anxiety from that feeling and didn't know how to express it. Running away or moving out isn't a way to deal with it. People can't know if it's a struggle if I don't say something.
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