Cerebral Rants

Truth be told, I have a small tendency of falling in like with a variant of things. Sometimes becoming quite obsessive until I can get at the very thing that keeps dropping on my forehead like drops of consistent and incessant water.

I understand this magnitude of honesty is probably slightly off-kilter, strange, or perhaps awkward... Can you tell I'm learning not to care?

I think that for me, to love or like something passionately is just an extension of what God has created in me. I love people. I really do, but sometimes to the detriment of my well being. That includes but is not often, smothering them when I feel like they will leave.

I love looking at cars; from specific makes and models, to the year and the body style. I like that I awkwardly studied and drew car insignias in my journals when I was little. That I quiz myself (even now, as an adult) to guess the model of a car at night based on just the shape of their headlights or tail lights. I don't know why it intrigues me so. Perhaps watching a little of America's most Wanted as a little kid and always hearing my parents tell me to be aware of my surroundings. So if you ever need me to identify a car for you, I am your girl.

And so now that you know a little quirk about me, know that the kind of quirk like that filters into how I build relationships with people. I don't learn just the surface things about cars, I learn how many mpg's it has, or the different interior types, how many it seats, is it child safe, if it's an SUV, does it have a high turn over rate? I want to know those little things about people that make them up as a whole. 

And can you guess what I found out? Not everyone wants to be looked at that intricately. Have their tires kicked. Be that vulnerable. I get it. For me, I am an all or nothing in friendships, you either want to work at something of growth or you want to stay in the same place. I can deal with acquaintanceship and I can deal with brief encounters where we hardly run in the same circles that don't require inch but a "hello" and a "how are ya?" But in the case of "knowing" someone for 2 years and then realizing you don't. You don't know them because your friendship has consisted of shiny and buffed exteriors. Always polished, never dull, never bird poop on the hood that can be scraped off, or needing a tune up, or an oil change. Always, always an unscathed, untouched, just driven off the lot friendship.

I am bored. I get bored by that. That isn't acceptable for me. I used to revel in mediocrity with my grades throughout high school because I feared I wasn't good enough. Friendships are a thing I will never settle in, never in mediocrity, and never in self hate because my "method" of friendship is deemed "setting my expectations of people too high". 

Maybe I am, but maybe it's because I believe they have a lot more to offer than superficiality and mediocrity.

That is my rant for the night. It's just something I haven't been able to shake from my brain; and I won't ever be able to if I want something above complacency.

Please try daily to not live a complacent life. Complaceny and contententment are two separate beast; one requires more effort in being aware if where you are and appreciating that/those moments; while the other encourages a dependency of drought. Seek water in your times of drought as to never become content with complacency.