I walked to the end of my terminal happy to have spent the time in a beautiful and magical city and with wonderful people. I was boarding my plane with a heavy heart that I was leaving something I wanted to be by my side the whole flight back home.
A hot stream of water began to fill in my eyes, blurring my vision as I blinked to force them down my face. Why was I crying? I didn't even cry when I was leaving Italy... I had a mixture of heart pangs and being overwhelmed by gracious hosts. The hospitality I had experienced was something that made me feel warm and invited.
I cried because I was leaving two cities that were destined to be called home in another year or so.
I cried because my heart had attached itself. It had been warmed by the friendly dispositions of the city and had fallen for the character it possessed.
The heart is a tricky thing when it wants to be. It can thrive on emotions, it can thrive on insecurities and hopes and words. It is a powerful well of strength when we allow God in, but it can also be as empty and hollow as a silo when we reject what He has for us.
I am relinquishing my regular thought process daily. I am challenged daily to live in the now, be present here and cross those bridges when I get to them.
My life has been devoid of having a boyfriend and it is strange to some and refreshing to others. Sometimes it is even strange for me to think I have lived my life on this earth having never had a proper boyfriend. The thing I have learned from the haves and have not's is that when you are a have, or a have had, you begin to encourage the have not's from rushing into anything too drastically; that they have all the time in the world; that there is no rush, and to be patient. I can say if I made money for every have that has told me that, I'd be rich in money (I think I am a little rich in knowledge in this area). Because we have not, does not mean we do not know things or have not learned lessons in other ways. So thank you, have's, for your years of guidance because without it, us have not's would not have wise people to glean from. I mean this in all seriousness.
And the thing I have learned with the have not's is that we can assume we know it all and we have been through it all, but we haven't and nothing will quite compare to sharing in life's challenges with another human being. If it were weird of me to say this next part, then I wouldn't be me... but I am, in a way looking forward to all aspects of my relationship with my boyfriend. In challenges come growth, sometimes microscopic change, but change none the less; and someone who is willing to love me through that process and LET me love them in the same process, is a really beautiful thing. Most do not like confrontation, I don't like it if I can avoid it, but the truth is I can't. Things happen in life that have to be spoken of and we've got to be willing to face them; I'll just be glad to be facing them with someone else, because when they are willing to face it with me, it tells me they feel it's worth the fight. We are worth the fight.
So when I say I want a boyfriend, I don't know fully what I'm preparing myself for, but I do know what I'd be signing up for.
I am sure I digressed a lot from the start of this entry, but to tie it all back together; these are the things I can't wait to experience with him. Whomever he may be. I can't wait until the day I fall in love with his heart and his character. I will be a lady smitten and completely in love.