Sometimes It All Works Out

...and sometimes it doesn't. My last post was ashamedly 4 months ago. In that amount of time; I have acquired a new position at work and am now working 40 hours a week. My manager thinks I've got the potential of stepping into a management level role in the future. So that's pretty cool.

In regards to my personal life, my fun-filled 2 month hang out session ended on a good note. Our birthday wishes were given to one another a couple of weeks ago and I figure that is the door closing. Friendship would be nice, but I will not actively force it if it isn't what the other person wants.

I don't know what is in my future in that area. I have thought about it probably as much as I have since I was in high school. It's basically the same story over and over again of me single/friends married, engaged, dating, babies.

And I basically don't want to hear anymore pep rally pep talks. I guess at some point it goes from cheering up to patronizing.

I've also learned I am the epitome of a Korean drama, except most of them still reside in their parents homes until they get married and that is usually in their 30s. Maybe their onto something, maybe it's something I can just learn to live with. Maybe I can try to unconditionally love all of my friends' (I sound like Gollum, is that the right use of a punctuation for plural friends?) screaming babies, and pictures, and videos, and conversations about first poops and favorite foods. 

This is also not to sound harsh, this is where I am. 

I had this feeling of being overwhelmed when I was younger and also when I was in college. I liked having close friends, but I also realized I spread myself way too thin in hopes of making everyone else happy. Disregarding my time being valuable, and accepting that anything less than sharing my time would mean I was a selfish person.

Now it's hitting me differently, I spend time talking to friends, then talking about the kids, and then talking about daily routines, and then when I'm asked about how I'm doing, I don't get too many words in without having interruptions. It's inevitably how it will be for a while, and I respect that. But I have felt again, that I'm spreading myself thin.


This was me writing from 3 years ago, and I still feel the same way. I'm going to post this to get it out of my queue, but also to remember that things do take time, and things will pass and change and get better. Right now, I'm trying to get better mentally. I have allowed myself to be spread thin to a toxic level for my sanity and health. I have been apologetic, sometimes too often, and not calling people out for being crummy friends. I'm about as thorough and loyal as they come, and that gets walked on almost every day, but this year, and the years after that is where I learn to say no, be okay with saying it, and embracing all of the curves of my mind and what my self-preservation looks like to be a healthy and happy human being living out what God wants for me.