Phase. Phasing. Phases. Phased

I keep going through phases like clock work where I get exceptionally excited about writing out all of my heart and emotion on this thing, but then I pull back when I know now people are reading it.

Sometimes they are rambles. Sometimes epiphanies. Sometimes a girl just going through emotions, and sometimes a girl who is battling the thoughts of wanting love over many other things in life.
But it's almost an excuse to back out of writing out what it is that's on my heart. My most real self. The self that I desperately feel gets overlooked and I want to be heard, but still kept treasured to my heart for me and the ones closest that I can bare it to.

I have had a whirlwind of beautiful things that have stirred my soul, caused lumps in my throat, forced me to battle in my mind if being 100% vulnerable is what I need to be at this point in my life, to specific people or to tuck it away. Wait for the undeniable moment to pass and then suffer the consequences of 'what if's' when things bombard my mind.

You see, this is why I reserve myself from writing as much as I want when my thoughts aren't as cohesive as I'd like it to be. I continue to listen to music that get's my inspired juices going. I play stories in my head when the music chimes along to help put me in specific moods of places I love to be, people I love to be around and great memories.

Now that I've divulged my innermost secret of how I write, I guess I can explain the title. The phases I go through in life make me learn my lesson. Sometimes. At times I have to learn the lessons several times before I get it, because I'm not really a one time lesson learner. That goes for many things in my life, but I have to practice before I can get really good at anything and be confident in it. I learned that I had to study hard throughout college to believe that God didn't mess up on how he wired my brain. That I wasn't stupid. When I realized that practicing and studying hard made me as smart as those kids in high school, I felt like I had learned of the biggest secret in the world, but I was really just catching up to the work ethic that they exemplified all long.
So with my lessons in life now, it's how to have responsibility and practicing responsibility. Even if I fake it for a while, it won't get me anywhere. But if I start applying it even just a little, I begin to catch on to what the big deal is about being responsible, managing finances, making sure my car is tuned up, and instead of begrudgingly keeping up on those responsibilities... gladly accepting the fact that God has blessed me in areas that I can take care of certain things. Not fully by myself, but I will get to that point and I will be glad of it.
All of this is coming about because I have been presented with untangling my heart from dreams I have with particular guys in them and learning that I have a pattern of what role I want them to play in my awake state. Whether it's wanting to be accepted and loved  unconditionally, or feeling like I can trust someone completely without them leaving me, or being able to be vulnerable, it all intertwines into both areas of my dream state and awake state.
My responsibility is that God has given me these intricate dreams, but it is on my accord to be wise about whether I divulge the dreams intended to any persons in it, pray about it, or acting out of emotional impulses. That part I'm learning to be more tame in. I can say many a friendships have shifted with guys that played a valid part in those dreams, and while the content I divulged to them needed to be stated at the time, my romantic interest in them did not. So after certain conversations came about of DTR's, that is kind of when things began to shift. The good thing is I can bounce back, the bad thing is, after many times of going through this a person starts to build an invisible layer of rejection. Seeing or noticing a decent guy showing interest is often times blurred by past misconceptions of boys feelings. When all is said and done, a girl doesn't want to always be the one to put her neck on the line so that the guy can feel safe to approach her. Sometimes the girl wants to feel safe and to be approached.
Anywho, I'm off on a bit of a rant, and I think this is where I'll have to tie up those loose ends until next time.


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