Dream a Little Dream Pt. 2

While I was having my many hop along moments of unrequited/ reciprocated like stories, I noticed a slight pattern. My lack of confidence in who I was, had started to bleed into how valuable I thought I was or wasn't to people. To boys. To guys. To men.

It was definitely a struggle. And moving to Orlando back in 2007 left me feeling independent. I figured I could find myself, be myself, and not have to accept just anything.
I helped out a lot in a church, and began to help with the youth group. I started to get closer to the youth pastor and the "inner circle" and found myself disinterested in what they thought was cool. They thought I was cool and I hated that. Because it started to place this weird level of expectation on me to keep up appearances. I felt like clearly they didn't know me, because I have moments that I don't want to even talk to people, and that can make me less than appealing. But because their expectations were built up of me being this "cool" person, when I had real moments, they seemed turned off by it.
I stood my ground, I said what I needed to say, but in the end was worried if I had offended anyone in the process. So I went through this period of recanting statements and feelings often. Making myself sick and probably irritating them with my friending and defriending on Facebook when I was ready for them to be back in my life.

And so it bled into how I was with guys. Now I'm not a competitive girl, I step aside for anyone I deem better than me. I invite and uninvited people into my life depending on the stuff they did or didn't do in our friendship. I probably complicated things a lot more than I needed to in that period of my life, but I learned how to say I'm sorry more than anything. Probably too much. And that was my next habit. Becoming apologetic even for things that were the other persons' fault. It left me feeling weak and insecure often times. And then frustrated and used.

To get back to the theme of the title, these little habits developed themselves in my dreams. Almost becoming characters themselves. Making themselves as prevalent as the current crush at the time. Dreaming of established relationships between these different guys all played specific roles.

For instance when I liked a friend, everything in my conscious state was dealing with being able to trust him and always feeling like he was going to let me down in some way. So that resonated in my dreams with him. Not fully being able to trust him. Doubting his intentions and his actions towards me. And at the time he struggled with fully being himself. Sometimes he played the Joe Cool card, then the nerd card, but he would struggle allowing people to see either side because he always wanted to show his best side. So that appeared in my dreams, and the frustration of that appeared in my dreams.

The next person I had dreams about was not for another 3 years later I guess. I developed an interesting relationship with him. One with a lot of deep spiritual conversations, and discussions on different challenges in life. In my conscious state with him, I always felt like I had to downplay anything that I may have been successful in because he seemed either overly sensitive in certain areas or uncaring. I knew that wasn't the case, but he tended to be more moody and obscure about things of life that it always left me wondering if the content of what I had to tell him was important enough for him to be present. So that of course infiltrated my dreams. I often times felt like I stepped on egg shells to make him feel comfortable. Not clearly defining certain things that I thought would be pertinent in his life.

TBC...

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