Huz Journal

After contemplating how much I enjoy writing in my own journals and how it releases a lot of different things in my head, 3 years ago I decided to write in a "husband journal". Most of it is compiled of prayers and struggles I was feeling at the time of my single state. I felt like it would be more cathartic for me to be able to express the side of me that uses that side of my brain to chat my girl friends ears off whenever a new guy pops his way into my life and I have to analyze everything about what he did, said, how he acted.
Just recently did I make a challenge to myself to not write down anything in my journal about any guy that I liked. After 2011, I put an ax on the boy topics in my journal because all I would do is re-read in sheer embarrassment that I was creating a cycle whenever I talked about a guy, how I read into things and was astonished that I even got to the 3 month mark of grabbing their attention. So in the last 2 years, I have had no romantic interests. Even when I was in Italy I was well aware that I had stated I was not interested in any guy in Orlando. Even if and when a likely interest popped up into the picture, I refused to write about them or their actions.
Now I'm in this mode of re-reading my huz journal because while I don't think he will read the thing in it's entirety, it will be present for him to get into my mind and how I react to certain things. What it felt like waiting for him. I remember bringing my journal along with me one day to a recording I was doing for church and the pastor (a socially awkward sort of person) decided he was going to thumb through my journal as it was sitting on the couch. I let him browse, and he asked what it was and I said it's my husband journal. He goes, "I doubt your future husband will have the time to want to read this." And I responded with a, "well that is definitely your opinion in which you're inclined to have, but it's a cathartic process for me to write out the things that I'm praying for over his life before I have met him." There was a newly engaged couple standing in the room and the girl kind of stared blankly at me, as did her fiancee. I thought to myself that they have each other to confide in consistently about struggles and joys and prayers. I am practically going off of an imagination.
I think it will be interesting if I end up meeting someone who listens to people for a career and then they get this book of mine that has taken 3 years to write in and actually take the time to read through it. I just look at it as a book of personal vows to this man. The guy God has for me that I have yet to meet, or have met already but don't even know it.


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