Dream a Little Dream

I have often found myself at a crossroads when I like a guy. It's a routine and goes like this...

Like guy. Guy shows interest. Other girls come in the picture. Immediately assume they are guys type. Step aside. Let other girls win. Wipe my hands clean. Repeat process.

For as long as I can remember, this cycle probably started when I was in kindergarten. Some battles are not yours to be won, so you've got to let go what's not yours.
Kindergarten you say... Well a boy by the name of Philip caught my attention. Come nap time, and cutsie little blonde girl comes up and naps next to him because she and I had perfect taste. Well that wasn't a real battle, I was supposed to be asleep then anyways. :) If you think I'm joking by remembering these things, I am being completely honest, one thing I don't forget about is how good elementary school was to offer NAP TIMES!

Shortly after, by 5th grade it should happen that the same boy from K5 should be the one I liked again. This time competitive side came out. A cute mixed girl by the name of Lindsey (whom I'm now friends with today) came into the picture. I don't know what she did, but I was determined to beat her at 4 square during recess. Clearly my competitive side did not win out and he was impressed by her. Lost another one to Ditech. I learned shortly after that day that I would refuse to be competitive over a boy.

By middle school, I had probably developed the world's longest crush on my pastor's son. I just thought he was the cutest and reminded me of Opie Taylor aka Richie Cunnigham aka Ron Howard. Guys probably would not take that as a compliment, but I adored the straight-laced character of Richie Cunningham amongst his dopey friends. And of course again, like k5 blondie, other girls had the same taste as me. Ben was funny, charming, parents loved him, he was smart and witty, and I just thought he was the greatest.
Well of course that one didn't pan out, because like I said before, I had refused to ever be competitive again over a boy. Girls in the church had formed a sort of "Bermuda Triangle of Like" around him and I didn't want to be yet another girl to expand that triangle into a square. So I buddied up with Ben and he went from crush to older brother. it allowed me to still have opinions of girls he may have been interested in without giving myself away. Although he was a smart cookie (still is) and I'm sure he figured out quickly I had a major crush on him.

Senior year of high school was going to be my year! I wasn't going to like any boys, fall for their shenanigans and I was going to do me! Unfortunately that fresh perspective lasted a few good months and a tall boy by the name of Stephen came along. A smooth talker, a way with the ladies, suave. I steered clear of his smooth words for a while and that caught his attention. It was like a predator in search of it's prey but not wanting an easy chase. Eventually I gave in to his sweet words. Bus rides to sporting events left us completely vulnerable with one another. Him admitting for the first time he really liked me. Us holding hands. The whole deal. My first "real" experience of feeling noticed and appreciated by someone I liked back.
By the end of the year what was meant to be a really great moment (senior prom) turned into a tearful memory of someone I considered a good friend, making out with the guy I liked, and then turning around and dating him.  I forgave her. Forgave him, but I stepped aside. Didn't even feel like I was worth anything for him and her to do something like that to me, having not considered my feelings at all, but wanting my forgiveness.

A year later, a friend and I who hung out often in high school started to pursue a deeper relationship with one another. It was friends who liked hanging out, to friends who really enjoyed and really like each other. When things started to get pretty good between us, in pops the ex-gf. To pee on her territory again. Make his life miserable for thinking of anyone but her. That was it! I was not going to be any other girl, but I also didn't feel like it was going to be healthy for me to stay in any type of relationship where there was no assertiveness.

And that is just the start, I will have to continue the rest on a future entry... :)


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