Single Waiting

I don't know that I've even written much on interracial relationships except for the article I was writing for Relevant, but to give some perspective and insight on how I feel about other interracial teams, here it is. I think it's funny when double standards are set against couples in IR. For some time, I've heard different types of opinions and negativity of black men dating or marrying white women from other black women. I've heard negativity from black men of black women dating white men. It's all absurd because these opinions are also coming from people who are in IR themselves. IT'S A B S U R D!!! I have to shut down the negativity at once. To you respectable single or taken black men out there; Let it be! If you can choose to date who you want and expect people to not make a fuss about it, then you should do the same for the ladies you so endearingly refer to as your "sistuh"/"sisters". If you care at all about our hearts and ho...

After contemplating how much I enjoy writing in my own journals and how it releases a lot of different things in my head, 3 years ago I decided to write in a "husband journal". Most of it is compiled of prayers and struggles I was feeling at the time of my single state. I felt like it would be more cathartic for me to be able to express the side of me that uses that side of my brain to chat my girl friends ears off whenever a new guy pops his way into my life and I have to analyze everything about what he did, said, how he acted. Just recently did I make a challenge to myself to not write down anything in my journal about any guy that I liked. After 2011, I put an ax on the boy topics in my journal because all I would do is re-read in sheer embarrassment that I was creating a cycle whenever I talked about a guy, how I read into things and was astonished that I even got to the 3 month mark of grabbing their attention. So in the last 2 years, I have had no romantic interests....

I like how  you  look at me Your  eager eyes are pleased by my words Your  vision intoxicated by sights Your  hands unconsciously preening You  look at me with enthusiasm, like a lesson learned Searching for all the answers at once, but knowing time will only permit moments, perhaps seconds The language of  your  body shuffles in fixation becoming calculated with every glance The mind that's allowed  you  vast knowledge, is now stumped by uncomprehension and your heart takes the lead All logic  you  possessed went to  your  heart, the hero and villain of love, the illogical thinker Questioning  yourself  becomes a regular occurrence A battle against false love begins A shield protects the heart from premature waking You  suffer nothing but a battle wound of conflict against  your  heart, mind, and body Your  last solution which should have been  your ...

By the third guy that I had actually had more in depth dreams about, he was several years younger than me and his actions reflected so in the dreams. While he was mature in certain areas, he had a tendency to still be juvenile in other areas. And I felt as if I was wanting to settle for whatever he had to give me. Thinking it was enough to get by, I overlooked many key red flags for me personally, and those flags showed up often in my dreams and I chose to ignore them. This has been over 2 years ago now, and with all of the guys I've liked and had dreams about, the only analogy I can use is like going in the Baskin Robins, home of the 31 flavors and trying to add toppings I don't even like on the type of ice cream that I really want. I wanted them to work out so much that I was beginning to get side-lined in my own dreams. Allowing my heart to go before my head, and allowing both organs to go before God. I responded eagerly and not as wise then with some of the dreams God gav...

While I was having my many hop along moments of unrequited/ reciprocated like stories, I noticed a slight pattern. My lack of confidence in who I was, had started to bleed into how valuable I thought I was or wasn't to people. To boys. To guys. To men. It was definitely a struggle. And moving to Orlando back in 2007 left me feeling independent. I figured I could find myself, be myself, and not have to accept just anything. I helped out a lot in a church, and began to help with the youth group. I started to get closer to the youth pastor and the "inner circle" and found myself disinterested in what they thought was cool. They thought I was cool and I hated that. Because it started to place this weird level of expectation on me to keep up appearances. I felt like clearly they didn't know me, because I have moments that I don't want to even talk to people, and that can make me less than appealing. But because their expectations were built up of me being this ...

I have often found myself at a crossroads when I like a guy. It's a routine and goes like this... Like guy. Guy shows interest. Other girls come in the picture. Immediately assume they are guys type. Step aside. Let other girls win. Wipe my hands clean. Repeat process. For as long as I can remember, this cycle probably started when I was in kindergarten. Some battles are not yours to be won, so you've got to let go what's not yours. Kindergarten you say... Well a boy by the name of Philip caught my attention. Come nap time, and cutsie little blonde girl comes up and naps next to him because she and I had perfect taste. Well that wasn't a real battle, I was supposed to be asleep then anyways. :) If you think I'm joking by remembering these things, I am being completely honest, one thing I don't forget about is how good elementary school was to offer NAP TIMES! Shortly after, by 5th grade it should happen that the same boy from K5 should be the one I liked ...

Oh boy. That should have been the title of this little segment. This single girl met a boy. A boy that slipped her his number. A boy that is highly persistent, and a boy that might be thinking there is more there than there really is. I met a guy on Monday while I was pumping gas. He was in the process of talking to me about my headlights (cars headlights ya'll!) and how to prevent it from being foggy as well as using something to wax and polish my car. Wouldn't you know that I purchased what he was selling as he was willing to sell the item to me for $30 less than what it cost. I could tell he was flirting, he kept pointing out that his number was on top of my receipt. In my mind, I had no intention of feeding into his smooth lines, but I had been complaining for months on end about how annoyed I get with guys not stepping up and being the pursuer. Well guess God heard me. Sent one, complete with a phone number, twinkling green eyes, and dark brown hair. How could I deny him...

{Look 7even} Rugby Shirt: Marshall's/ $7 Vest: CottonOn/  $10 Ankle Boots: Gifted Black Denim: Forever21/  $10 If you are looking for some comfy denim with some stretch, you can grab some great ones at Forever21. Plus they're the only pair of pants I could probably wear all the time and not feel bloated in. The only other thing I need with an awesome vest like this is to be living with my husband in Oregon. In the mountains. With my dogs. Taking pictures of the ocean. Remember that last line, because that is happening next.

i can plan and plan and plan, but if i’m not putting it to action, what good is planning? it’s just another way of having a checklist that isn’t getting any attention so things build up and never get completed. i had planned to have a steady job right now , not relying on my parents for funding. hasn’t happened. i had hoped to be dating or married by now, maybe with kids, and a sweet husband. none of it has happened. i planned to be living on my own. that’s not the case.  Slow process and getting there. i planned on being more independent. it never feels like that.  Slow process and getting there. i planned on traveling to different countries next year, but need a job now. in time. i had to sit back and pray about this . praying is still in progress, i am getting out of my frustrated, why me, stupid attitude.  i’ve got to change those moments for myself. if a door shuts, it makes the opportunity for me to go to an open door that maybe i wouldn’t have no...

There really is no rhyme or reason as to why you should be joyful when you aren't happy, except for maybe a few hundred verses in the Bible that say what joy should look like. Like for instance 2 Corinthians 7:4,   I am acting with great boldness toward you; I have great pride in you; I am filled with comfort. In all our affliction, I am overflowing with joy. I have greatly appreciated my life and have been thoroughly satisfied of the joy that has come from this period of growth. And I mean UNSPEAKABLE joy. After returning from Italy, I feel that was the step I needed to propel me where I needed to be in truly stepping out into faith. Going to a country by myself, having to deal with emotional struggles and relying solely on God and the people he brought into my life were major things that I had to learn how to deal with. Coming back to Orlando I knew I couldn't just settle on normalcy and call it a day, I had to be more and do more with my life. This was an exceptional trans...

If you've already seen "The Odd Life of Timothy Green", I would suggest you try to watch it. If not, then no skin off my teeth. (Weird saying by the way... it always makes me   run my tongue across my teeth). In the movie, the couple who  isn't able to have children of their own have a slight meltdown as most parents wanting children would and they make up things/qualities that they want of their child. - they wanted a child with a lot of love -a child that was funny. not funny laughing at people, but just funny -could score the goal winning kick -would rock (musically gifted) -was a picasso with the pencil -loved  the different and embraced it So it gave me an idea to plant some ideas of my own for my future. my finances: to be financially independent and stable by 33, maybe sooner to be able to bless others financially work ethic: always strive to get better and learn a lot. ALWAYS not being afraid to ask questions being passionate ab...

When I went out of the city with Elisabetta and her boyfriend Enrico, they took me to this beautiful little Catholic church that is opened to the public 24/7 and is filled with fresco's from floor to ceiling of heaven, hell, angels, and demons, and even of Christ's sacrifice. The image portrayed of Hell was a definite scary one, the scenes featured demons dragging people to the underworld as their faces were painted in sheer horror. I took the piece in, only thinking of how this painting/image must really affect people and their thoughts of being guilted into a religion in order to be saved from such a place. Purgatory is more ideal of a place to end up than Heaven or Hell to some of the believing Catholics in this area. If they struggle in believing Heaven exists and have only been taught to fear the thought of death and ending up in Hell eternally, Purgatory is their Heaven, because they have been sent there by grace to by pass having to go to Hell. Enrico looked at me,...

This is just from a journal entry I wrote back in March when I was in Italy contemplating being single in a romantic city that most people are experiencing with a loved one of some sort. Here's my problem with still being single... I want someone to hold me properly. Hold my hand in public, brush the hair off my face. Tuck me under his chin and wrap me in his arms. I want someone to kiss me on the forehead and nose, and know when I'm having a rough day when my eyes aren't smiling. I want to be there for someone and not constantly think they will assume I want something more than just being with them. I think I just really desire touch. Having gone so long and not having a guy hold my hand because he actually liked me, while knowing  he liked me hasn't happened in a while. And now I really don't think any of the guys in Orlando are for me. I'm okay with that. With that being said, I'm not asking for a fairytale, just a story of my own. I'd s...

Sure, sure it can't be that dire. There can't be a lack of prospects. Single life isn't all bad. This is what I tell myself all too often to be my own hype man. I think, maybe I'll run into that guy who resembles Danny Castellano who will be my go to guy friend who spits the truth at me, but secretly has developed a sincere love connection. Or perhaps someone who is grumpy like Nick Miller, but deep down he just wants love to work out in his favor, and he graciously accepts the weirdness and quirkiness of his friend, because he knows she wants the same kind of love and acceptance. I dunno, maybe my ideals of TV show friendship love and loathing is not where I need to set my example, but the interesting thing is I have. I am not a fairy tale girl. As I have stated before. The likes of those feelings are so engrained in my mind it could easily be a tattoo it's that permanent. Do not mistake my slight fairytale cynicism for a lack of romanticism, because I am a ...

I know that I don't own you, and perhaps I never will, so my anger when you're with her, I have no right to feel. I know that you don't owe me, and I shouldn't ask for more; I shouldn't feel so let down, all the times when you don't call. What I feel, I shouldn't show you, so when you're around I won't; I know I've no right to feel it- but it doesn't mean I don't. -Lang Leav

I should have hugged him more. Maybe hugged him tighter to let him know I'd miss him instead of pulling away. Written and re-written his goodbye letter to make it feel like it was just a 'see you later' note. Taken the time to be more vulnerable. After all I had nothing to lose. Why did I diminish his honest feelings with childish pranks? I hurt a little more knowing I hurt such a sincere soul. I placed my actual feelings in a box, tucked it away, and blazed through yours. Deep in my heart I don't know if I'll see him later. If I'll see his smiling eyes or the twinkle that comes with it when he laughs and the wrinkles crinkle around his eyes. I don't know if the distance will really separate my heart from him. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, they say. Those who say it must have met a heart like mine. Lumps well up in my throat when I think about many missed opportunities. The time he offered me his hand for help and I deferred it to ...

I keep going through phases like clock work where I get exceptionally excited about writing out all of my heart and emotion on this thing, but then I pull back when I know now people are reading it. Sometimes they are rambles. Sometimes epiphanies. Sometimes a girl just going through emotions, and sometimes a girl who is battling the thoughts of wanting love over many other things in life. But it's almost an excuse to back out of writing out what it is that's on my heart. My most real self. The self that I desperately feel gets overlooked and I want to be heard, but still kept treasured to my heart for me and the ones closest that I can bare it to. I have had a whirlwind of beautiful things that have stirred my soul, caused lumps in my throat, forced me to battle in my mind if being 100% vulnerable is what I need to be at this point in my life, to specific people or to tuck it away. Wait for the undeniable moment to pass and then suffer the consequences of 'what if...