Random Ramblings {Thursday}

I have felt close to being in a downward spiral of emotions.

What's that look like you ask?

It looks a lot like what I imagine depression to be. Not wanting to fall asleep for fear your thoughts will get the better of your sanity. What's left of it anyways. You have in your mind most days to create normalcy, a list of things to do, to get out of the house, to be active. And yet you're faced with the undeniable frustration of doing nothing because your willpower has managed to be defeated by the weight of your body.

I have gone so far as to peaking my interest in things by looking through the internet, by watching different tv shows. I get a quick burst of confirmation that my life is okay, that it's not out of control, and just in a minute or two, those moments of esteem slip away. And just like that, that moment of faded light that I started to see dissipates and I'm left covering my depleted body on the couch fighting back tears and heavy eyelids. The daytime has turned in to be my only source of companionship for it is the only time of day I have steady sleep without my thoughts racing.

I go to clean my room and clean out clutter, maybe that will give me a semblance of clarity in my life.
I have never cleaned dishes as much as I have in a months time, but I choose to clean them out of the sink for fear that the clutter in the sink would soon overwhelm me, and I wouldn't be able to handle the sight of it and keep walking past it thinking it would vanish the more I ignore it.
I cook what I can, whenever I can. I don't care if it has much substance, I will look through a cookbook just to see if I can make the most difficult meal. I don't know, maybe it's to see if my brain is still capable of following instructions or going off on it's own.

I'm learning that feeling like this is not a bad thing for me. It is allowing me to space out all of my thoughts in what seems to be like the longest time in the last 5 years that I've had the chance to do it. I have cut most of my friends out of life technologically because I do not want to be immediately contacted for anything. I hate thinking I have to be attached and available at any moment of the day for everyone else because it is something I have carried on my shoulders for so long and transpired into sort of a burden for me because I was helping here, or taking care of everyone else's feelings and not looking at my own.
So after being so emotionally burned out, it had truly caught up with me. No teasing or laughter from the burn out, only gobs and gobs of tissue, tea, calming sit downs, and curling ups on anything I can lay on. After large amounts of tears and throbbing headaches I cried these feelings out to my dad and mom. Thankfully I will have the opportunity of going back home and just being able to really let go.

I've got mounds of things I would like to talk to them about, get their advice, and mainly help them around the house. I've learned cleaning/cooking, for me, is refreshing for my mind. Oh! How the feminist around the world are turning over in their graves for fear I'm setting myself back as a forward thinking woman. :)


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