The Places I Will Go

This is the second installment of where I've been in my life in the last 4 months. Agonizing, sleepless months. If you are not filled in on the disclaimers, they are a one time deal. You can use your own discernment for future reads by moi! I said that in my head like Miss Piggy. I didn't care for her much despite the reference.
I just happened to like the confidence she had in her rotund little face. It's relatable.

Back to the ground work.

After putting in a years worth of working on projects with people so closely and making some good friends, I considered SSW one of the favorite places I've worked. Second in my job at Apple Market when I was 18-20.
I had no send off. No acknowledgment from Oz that I had really put in the work to make his life a little easier.

****Disclaimer. *Spoiler. *Side note. I absolutely hate the lyrics of "Here Comes Santa Clause", because 'he don't care if you're rich or poor, because we're all God's children'. Seems like a huge contradiction in one sentence.**** Now you know what I'm listening to while I'm writing.

I left having no back up of a job, which I honestly didn't see it coming so soon of being broken up with, because let's be honest, who does when they really like their job? A few friends have quit on their free will. I had stayed on my freewill and also because I had nothing else lined up except for my own photography. I did have my degree in which I was pushing aside because of the testing I would have to endure yet again to pass for qualifications of being a commercial designer. BLEH. That's how I felt summed up.
Well with that now at the forefront of my mind, I didn't want to look it head on and started in what I think was my slow spiral. After officially finishing up the job a couple of weeks before my birthday I decided to go down to visit a friend in The Keys. Had a great time to escape. Came back and like most problems, they don't leave when you go away on vacation. They are nicely wrapped waiting for you like a yearly Christmas present. I started to put in applications for seasonal jobs hiring. I got to talk to a manager at Anthropologie that suggested I come in for an open interview the following Wednesday. She was just so pleasant about how she thought I'd fit right in! Too bad the hiring managers that day were unreadable and I didn't end up getting the position.
Then a few friends got the position prior to me applying and after I had applied. I was gutted and didn't even feel qualified for a retail position.
Had my thoughts gotten me this far to thinking I've done all this work on my own and not given any cred to God? That's what I kept thinking and boy did I feel severely inadequate. Getting a degree in a field of study I pursued for 3 and a half years, only to end up getting let go from a job at the beginning of 2012 that I really didn't like, nor was I qualified for past human interaction. Getting the boot from SSW 5 months later, and feeling a lot like a pauper roaming up and down the street for a job handout.

I became somewhat of a pauper in my own mind and developed a knack for sleepless nights. Many 7am tears because I had been up all night, and wasn't falling asleep until 18 and 19 hours after having just woken up. Yes, some days were even 24 hour days of no sleep. It was awful, I was exhausted, and I just prayed one night to God to just be able to close my eyes without them hurting.
I spent the time not being around friends, completely cutting them off from my life because I set it up in my head to be independent of them and dependent of God. So, like a lot of things prayed for, this was a slow moving process. Not knowing what to do and just surrendering and not liking the feeling of it in the beginning. In the beginning surrender (for women) feels a lot like pantyhose getting twisted at the crotch, all the way to your toes where the lining of the big toe now rests on your pinky toe. It's severely one of the most frustrating things to do. And all the while in submitting, you are just trying to get that annoying twisted pair of pantyhose off because of how constricting it is.

To be continued...

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