A Satirical Explanation of 10 Signs He's Not Into You... (Experience)

Disclaimer: Don't take all of these as factual. Take them more as satirical and funny. I am sure some of you have had these things happen in this order and work out in your favor. But in my world, I do know of quite a few women, as well as men, who this does not happen for so easily. I know a lot of us, men and women, go through the analyzing stages of:

1) Meeting someone 2) Developing an interest in them 3) Liking them 4) Believing they share the same affections 5) Going slightly crazy when they do not feel the same way because you read the "signs" right 6) Analyzing the situation 7) Analyzing your entire relationship history with that of the opposite sex 8) Epiphanies galore 9) Literally kissing dating and romance goodbye until the next attraction 10) Hope- Again.

In this go around, I'm just going to be mentioning the women's stand point of how to tell if a guy is not really that interested in you. But allowing the tendency of seeing what you want in order for it to not be true.

10. If the guy is being friendly. Take it as that. Don't read into anything extra, there is a chance that he's just being cordial. And if you really want to give yourself the hard hitting truths, just say that's probably how he interacts with most women. Don't try to feel so special on your first interaction. Sounds mean, sometimes they truly will like you, but not all men you come across are. Like some women to gain attention, some men just like to flirt.

9. In your acquaintance stage, he may continue in the friendliness. Possibly with banter and playful touching. This is kind of how friendships get narrowed down. You see that you are beginning to have a lot with a person in humor, and possibly activities. Guys and girls like knowing they have someone they can connect with. Whether its how a guy connects with another guy, or a girl connects with another girl, friendships are formed on likeness. The same is shared with that of the opposite sex, only this time people start dubbing it "chemistry."

8. As you begin to hang out with the fella more often on weekends, the shorter stint of the week, you realize that you two enjoy spending endless amounts of time with one another. In group settings and otherwise. But now group settings are becoming somewhat cumbersome trying to figure out what everyone else wants to do, go, and eat. You now get texts from him mid week asking what you're up to and if you want to hang out. Now your weekend hang outs are expanding to weeknight hang outs. After a busy day at work, or school... You find someone to vent to and have fun with at the same time. Winning. (I dislike Charlie Sheen for making this catch phrase so popular and catchy).

7. So you guys hang out a lot now right? You enjoy each others company right? He's even paid for your snacks at the theater so you two could "share" right? Okay, don't get your hopes up, he's still not remotely interested. At least that's what he's telling himself and his curious buddies who notice him spending all his time with you.

6. You start wondering now by his little tendencies if he's beginning to like you. You start making lists in your head, or on paper of the ways you could see yourself in a possible relationship with this cat. You don't shut out the possibility especially if he's interested. But if he isn't interested, you're not heartbroken, you just continue as friends. That all seems easy until your girl friends begin chiming in with what they see. "Oh for sure he's interested! I saw how he looked at you, how he treats you. He doesn't treat me like that. We don't talk about any of that stuff. He's totally into you girl!" Yea, those friends you love dearly, but are just as desperate for you to get in a relationship so double dating can commence. Or if they're not in a relationship, they want one to happen for you so they know by the grace of God in heaven, they are next in line for this special reward.

5. Butterflies are now swarming in your stomach. You make a declaration out loud, that you like him. That's it, no going back now. What's done is done. Your emotions have hijacked your brain. When he doesn't text throughout the day, you think he's mad about something. When he see's you at church, or with friends, he barely acknowledges you. What gives? Has he found out I liked him? Did one of my friends tell someone that has a big mouth? Did someone tell him I liked him? Yup, you know it. That routine of questions your brain asks you. Peppering you with seizures of doubt. Your brain has flipped the switch on you, this is your analyzing/paranoia mode. There are plenty of songs about paranoia to choose from unfortunately...

4. At this time, que Whitney Houston's How Will I Know? Is he or isn't he going to DTR this?!?!?! He's not because he just see's you as friends. It's up to you. The dreaded DTR. Which this phrase only became known to you in the last 2 years. You've had nothing to DTR, you've always just asked, "What is this?" Time for grade school simplicity. Asking him that question, "I might be reading into this and you can tell me if I have, but I feel like there is something here..." Pause, pause, pause. Awkward silence, him getting smacked in the face because obviously this is the first time he's actually thought about it. Mumble under breath occurs- heart sinks in pit of stomach.

3. Let's just be friends. That's what he's DTR'd this "goofing off, inviting you over, meeting his family, hand holding, kiss on the cheek (not the European way, just lingering) relationship-friendship" as. You've just successfully dated a friend and none of it was dating. Weird right? It's because it happened so fast and you didn't have time to stand your ground. To process the "what are we doing here's?" The "we're sitting in a grey area and I need it to be black or white" moments.

2. Things go back semi-normally. You hang out the same amount because you have the same friends. He see's you, you see him, but his whole proclamation of "let's just be friends" goes right out the window. He doesn't keep to his part, but he still wants to flirt, give you googly eyes, ask you to the movies, have random dinners, (without anyone else mind you). But you easily take it as, maybe he's changing his mind. Maybe he's seeing me as a little more. He was acting weird a couple of weeks ago, but maybe he was having a rough week at work. Yea, that's it. He just had a rough week.

1. You carry on your friendship. It doesn't grow anymore, but it doesn't really go back to what it was. Then your next hang out session he's beaming from ear to ear. You think to yourself, that the fairytale of friends-dating is happening. He has seen the light. He acts more pleasant with you than he had been, so he had to have had a realization of some sort. He then tells you he has something to tell you. Your heart is locked in your throat as you try to swallow and gasp for air. Your eyes widen, everything around you in the surrounding space gets brighter, you feel light-headed, but in a good way. He then tells you he's met a girl. Your brain turns your once jubilant enthusiasm into a state of anarchy. You don't know what to think anymore, but you become drastic. Your heart beating out of your chest, hot tears steaming your eyelids because you refuse to blink. You yell to yourself, "I prepared him for someone else, and he's not into me!"

You play along with your enjoyment for him to amuse him. Everything in you is telling you to not hate him for being happy, he did say you were just friends. But his actions proved otherwise. His actions. Always. Proved. Otherwise.

After that moment of realization in not being someone's "it", you have to rebuild. Your heart, your aching heart. You refrain from lashing out at friends and their untimely cliche advice. You phase into a sort of Transformer by being confused as a constant Snuggie. Your brain never thinks about immediate tasks at hand, and if it does, you never remembered how you got through your work day, just that you're laying in bed with hot tears running down your face. The hot tears that you would not cry in front of your friends. Every tear drop is for every time in your life you've gone through this same exact situation thinking to yourself, this one's different, I can just feel it. Oh! Stupid naive girl. Just pull yourself out of the game you tell yourself over and over again.

Finally one day, you swing your feet out of bed. You hear a song, you walk taller, you walk stronger. You place one foot in front of the next. Mimicking that of a child's first crawl. Long road ahead you say, me being in this state will not make the journey easier. Buck up. Be that woman who bounces back. Confidence pep talk works every once in a while, today is that day.

Days go by faster. Weeks go by faster. Months go by faster.

Day 158, you find yourself in the supermarket seeing cute couples shop together and wish for that. While seeing it, you are forming contentment around your heart because you feel open for love again and not fear. You feel that hurt in your heart get smaller and smaller, and a smile take its place over your heart.


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