Single Waiting

I keep going through phases like clock work where I get exceptionally excited about writing out all of my heart and emotion on this thing, but then I pull back when I know now people are reading it. Sometimes they are rambles. Sometimes epiphanies. Sometimes a girl just going through emotions, and sometimes a girl who is battling the thoughts of wanting love over many other things in life. But it's almost an excuse to back out of writing out what it is that's on my heart. My most real self. The self that I desperately feel gets overlooked and I want to be heard, but still kept treasured to my heart for me and the ones closest that I can bare it to. I have had a whirlwind of beautiful things that have stirred my soul, caused lumps in my throat, forced me to battle in my mind if being 100% vulnerable is what I need to be at this point in my life, to specific people or to tuck it away. Wait for the undeniable moment to pass and then suffer the consequences of 'what if...

I have been settling in quite well with my 5 day old 28 year old body. I can't say that I hate the sight of the number. But what I can gather in the 5 short days is that I feel inherently wiser than I did at 27. Okay, maybe not completely, but I do feel a lot more jovial and perhaps that has a great deal to do with the fact that I've been implementing prayer into my every day habits. I've been having those pick me up sessions in front of the mirror like that little 5 year old girl who was her own personal self motivator. "I love my hair! I love my face! I love my room! I love my mom! I love my dad! I love my dog! I love my teeth!" And so on and so forth. My mental notes to myself are out loud prayers to God. My pick me ups are me encouraging myself much like I encourage my beautiful friends. Me enjoying my life in its entirety. I recently started a new job 3 weeks ago, and have nothing but good things to say about it. Perhaps even great things. I feel like ev...

I found an entry from March where I was trying to write down the details of part of my trip. I'm glad I did because it puts me in that very location and it feels like I never even left. I was learning how to deal with being someone's guest, while also being apart of their lives, and pushing aside the feelings of discomfort. I felt like I was getting pulled in many directions and was losing a sense of what I was there for and kind of feeling pushed against a wall to please everyone else. "I figured it's a good thing I'm not dating anyone while I'm in Italy. While it's a romantic city/country, I know there will still be a ton of cool places we will get to experience together. And while I wish I were on this endeavour with someone I like and want to be with, I needed this short blip of personal independence. Even if I/my everyday habits are beginning to be coddled like an infant. Currently I'm sitting on a park bench, down a relatively secluded street ...

So I've got a newsletter on it's way and I hope to have it mailed off for the supporters and I'm looking forward to finally be putting all of my thoughts out on an actual format with some pictures! This is basically a tweet, but because not everyone has Twitter, I've resolved to updating here. :)

Just something I began writing from when I was still in Italy. It's already been a full month since I've been back and I'm happy more than ever that I documented what I saw from my window, I won't get to see it for some time. Or perhaps ever. I'm almost beginning to wonder if there is something in the rain because the Italians have a way of scurrying about the streets like God is going to make it flood again and if they don't hurry they will miss the Ark. Well it's not like that, but it's the closest thing to a visual I can give you. Across from my bedroom view there is an old man that looks out of his window on the 5th floor everyday. Always consoling his hands with his head, looking like he doesn't know what to look for beneath his window; but he stares for a good 5 minutes looking at passers-by. A woman who occupies the same flat is often hanging tons of laundry, of which most of the contents hanging up do not resemble any article of clothing...

I look to the left and right of me and it all looks the same. The life of singleness in a perpetual motion. I don't think friends mean any harm in the questions they ask, but I will give you some insight on what it looks like and feels like for me to be a single woman approaching my 28th birthday having no relational attachment to a significant other. The story goes a little like this: Every several years, usually around New Year's, I, as a single person, have built my hopes up in excitement of maybe this being the year God is preparing me to meet that person. That person who, unbeknownst to him, I shed tears over, prayed about, talked about endlessly to my single comrades, and painted a lovely picture in my head of what he'd be like. And every year I go through hi-s and lo-s and overcome new things that I never knew I had in me. Things that change me, things that push me into the direction of pursuing God a little bit more than I did the year before. During that seas...

Practicing how to get back into regular routines is not an easy task, but I think when coming back from a trip like I just have, the routines are the things that I once had are not what I want to fall back into. My challenge to myself is to out in 100% of effort towards my goals. To challenge my walk and have people challenge me in my walk. To learn what it is I value and what needs to be laid to rest. The thing with routines and habits are that they can be conflicting at times and control you in the worst possible way if you let it. In my case, I haven't had many steady routines since I graduated college. I knew everyday when I had class, from blocks of scheduled time. When I needed to be at work, and back at school to work on projects, and how much extra time I could have outside of all those areas. But now, I don't have school responsibilities weighing down on me, but more adult responsibilities, financial goals and responsibilities to be met, career responsibilities, et...