Swell Season

I look to the left and right of me and it all looks the same. The life of singleness in a perpetual motion.

I don't think friends mean any harm in the questions they ask, but I will give you some insight on what it looks like and feels like for me to be a single woman approaching my 28th birthday having no relational attachment to a significant other.

The story goes a little like this:

Every several years, usually around New Year's, I, as a single person, have built my hopes up in excitement of maybe this being the year God is preparing me to meet that person. That person who, unbeknownst to him, I shed tears over, prayed about, talked about endlessly to my single comrades, and painted a lovely picture in my head of what he'd be like. And every year I go through hi-s and lo-s and overcome new things that I never knew I had in me. Things that change me, things that push me into the direction of pursuing God a little bit more than I did the year before. During that season of sorting out my motives and intentions, the swell season starts.

It normally starts off as a small swell of excitement for friends who happily share with me the news that they are going on a date with a guy, and then the date turns into a plurality. The "we are now official and I can share with the whole internet world" declaration comes out.
I sit on the rocks watching that sweet little swell grow into something lovely, or tumultuous. But my view from the rocks warrants me to be careful.

As the years continue, more and more friends are now apart of this ocean of waves crashing on the rocks. Some prematurely making waves, others crashing in head first and creating the biggest swell to be seen by all. Me... let's just say I'm the foam that rushes over the rocks and is left behind to fizzle out. My ears are used for all kinds of emotions to be poured out. From the break ups and makeups, to the "I don't know what's wrong with him-s!", to the hopelessly and irrevocably in love with the person. Do not get me wrong, I have had many of those same moments of thoughts that I have abused my friends ears over. The difference with my cries and their cries, is that theirs actually is happening.

Now that the swell season is in full swing, you can only imagine what comes next. With the swell, it brings in various waves of proposals, engagements, bridal showers, bachelorette shindigs, weddings, and then baby news.

A few times I've looked a little too far over from my comfortable rocky perch and have fallen into a stormy and chaotic mess of emotions. Flapping my arms about, feeling as if I'm getting buried by all the invitations and announcements coming in the mail. All the baby shower registries, the wedding registries, the 15 billion posts of newborn pictures, new engagement rings, glowing brides and friends for life; gripping onto their newly married friend in excitement because they know they no longer have to be coerced onto the dance floor for the unmistakable song of the decade for single women. I dare not say it since we all know the hand motion as well as the song.
And when you enter a bridal shower, you are all too happy to support the bride and groom (should you have the pleasure of knowing both) and giving your well wishes as you sit across from 10-12 women all/most who are still younger than you by a good 7 years, politely sitting with their newly married left hand becoming a prominent character in all their conversations. (Unintentionally rolls eyes).
Everyone begins shelling out advice and words of wisdom on their 6 month, 1 year, or 10 year gained experience. My experience has only been gained in observation. I can only prove my thesis in understanding the idea of love and marriage should I have a guy who is willing to take a chance on me. (This is not true however, this is just the looks you tend to get when you are a single woman encroaching 30s, having no life partner to brag about).

You see, when you start seeing a single girl/woman and want to start asking the undeniable questions or making statements of "why are you not with anyone?", "you're such a special girl, a special guy will notice that about you". It falls off the encouragement wagon and creeps into the, 'I don't know when I will ever see this in my horizon' conversation. I am not saying all of this from a depressed standpoint, but to put it into perspective, I have supported friends (close friends) through every stage of their lives. I have seen them go through the hi-s and lo-s WITH someone who wanted to give them a chance. Even if they were crazy, or dramatic, or emotional, or too girly, or too tomboyish, or too flirty; all I ask is why is it taking so long for a guy to even get to that point with me?
These are my thoughts out loud. The only purpose they serve is for me to voice what goes on in my head. My singles has played out (counting the time that i was allowed to date) for 13 years. I've never experienced any true relationship with a boy that could stick around. Two boys told me they liked me in middle school, but that's middle school, let's be real; you can't date even if you tried. Two boys in high school told me they liked me, both of which had good intentions, but botched things up in the area of following through. By the time I got to college, I had a handful of guys who liked the thought of me being around, so much so, they poured their hearts out, treated me differently then all the girls they knew, and when honesty was put to the test to be real about the emotions, I got flakiness.

My heart has never once stopped beating for true love. Nor has it stopped hoping for God's promises. But I would say that I need prayer daily in getting through moments of weakness where I feel absolutely attacked spiritually and mentally of being alone, or feeling like I'm not worth it enough for someone to take a chance. Or that I will end up being emotionally abandoned in some way.
I pray for peace in this area of my life, because I can't and don't want to continue on thinking I'm not good enough for someone that doesn't communicate, and more importantly, doesn't respect and honor me like a man following after God's heart would.

There you have it. Single life in a nutshell. Colossians 1:3-14 sums it up in Thanksgiving and Prayer.

We always thank God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, when we pray for you, because we have heard of your faith in Christ Jesus and of the love you have for all God’s people the faith and love that spring from the hope stored up for you in heaven and about which you have already heard in the true message of the gospel that has come to you. In the same way, the gospel is bearing fruit and growing throughout the whole world—just as it has been doing among you since the day you heard it and truly understood God’s grace. You learned it from Epaphras, our dear fellow servant,[c] who is a faithful minister of Christ on our[d] behalf, and who also told us of your love in the Spirit.
For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you. We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his willthrough all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives,[e] 10 so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, 11 being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, 12 and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you[f]to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light. 13 For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdomof the Son he loves, 14 in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.


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