Where Do You See Yourself 20 Years From Now?

That question was not really all that daunting as a kid because when it was asked, it seemed more like it was an eternity away from being 10 years old. In my mind I thought being 30 years old would mean I'd be walking with a cane of some sort, not embracing or experiencing life with vibrancy.

How was I to put an age on my parents? And understand that they were in their 30s, raising me with more knowledge and clarity than I thought a 30 year old ought to have. To give you a rundown of an age timeline; when I was 10, I was in 5th grade and it was 1995. My dad was 36 and my mom was 34. I just saw them as mom and dad being older, but not old. They had energy, they never seemed like they would tire. They still rode roller coasters with me and my sister, we stayed up on the weekends, they ate junk food with me. I didn't see their age.

Here I am today, 4 years shy of that declaration, and I feel as if I've utterly lost my mind! I feel like I am 4 years away from not being anywhere near where I probably would have thought to be at the age of ten. I am sure that in my mind I saw stability in my future. I'm sure I did, because my best friend and I sketched up home ideas when we were little of where and how we'd live with our lavish imaginations. Our home with an elevator, both with classy rides of soft top Jeep's. So was I forseeing my future in what I thought I'd be capable of accomplishing, or was I like most every child with high expectations of dreams and where they'd be in life?

How was I to know that at the age of 27 I wouldn't be room mates with my bestie, but instead the best friend who was second to love and marriage? That sure put a crick in our dreams of living together, but I am happy with where her dreams have turned up.
How was I to know that at the age of 27 I would be among millions of college graduates who are fighting upstream to pay off student loans that seem to have no end in sight. Right now it looks a lot like tunnel vision-or in this case, many salmon swimming upstream to reach their destination, hoping that they aren't caught in the grasps of a merciless bear.
How was I to know that I wouldn't be in any type of romantic relationship at 27?

So many things completely unpredictable at the age of 27. More than I ever thought. Why is it when you're little you feel that you're only hitting milestones at the beginning of each decade? 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s? Is it because in our own little world we quite resemble The Rugrats even as we get older? Hearing adults say certain phrases that we often misconstrue thinking we know what it's like to be an adult. A successful adult? That's how I feel anyways.

I am nowhere near the level of intellect I want to be and I know that takes time. I am no where near the level of where I want to be financially. It's weird that at 27 I feel like I ought to be proving myself to the world. Making my mark. Being someone. Carving out who I am. Know who I am.

The truth is, you are never going to know who you are, because the new you, you knew is ever-changing. The you, you thought you wanted to be at a young age is a transformed person because of life experiences. So now my friends, I have caught myself in a head game with myself.  I have tricked myself into thinking all of those things from the age of 10 to 30, were just going to be there and done with. No work, no effort, just there. I wish I could have met up with my younger self and said, "Apply yourself in whatever you do. You will fail at things often before succeeding and there is nothing wrong with that. But always, always, always, remember to learn from your failures and move on."

All of this to say I have not given up hope in my dreams and they won't stop when I feel like I get to where I'm going. It's just a little piece of a huge picture that I can't see fully. Just like my best friend's marriage doesn't just stop there, because it requires work and dedication to sustain something that big for it to grow it. I've got to start rebuilding my endurance because the renewal of the mind and heart, is the most powerful thing I've got to get through all of this.


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