Oiy Vey! Put the Brakes On!

Argghhh! These emotions of never knowing how to explain what you're going through when you go through them are possibly one of the most annoying things to deal with.

Since before the week of my birthday I have technically been without work. Not necessarily a bad thing, but I don't like being without work. I feel like without work I do not know what to do. Oiy! I know! I'm saying all the things that warrant people to want to give me advice. I've heard almost every encouraging type of advice-wanted and unwanted and it's not what is needed/wanted.

This is probably something that transcends what I've ever gone through. Now I'm trying to change my perspective on where I am at. The funny thing is, is you can have uplifting words from friends and family to give you that extra boost to step up or change, but deep down, I know that me changing is only going to come from God accelerating my heart in a different direction. I can constantly do what everyone else wants me to do and not be happy about those decisions that I feel are being made for me, or I can open up my heart to hear what it is God wants of me in order to change my heart to want to renew those decisions.

I have got billions of ideas running through my head of what I want, but for whatever reason, have not found myself to get to a good starting point. I do know that I have had the realization that I am not pushing myself to where I need to be to get to where I need to go. I need to take my examination for Interior Design, but I also need to be interning or working in a firm, a place that I don't want to be. But in order to get to where I need to be, I probably need to go ahead and do the thing I dislike. In my opinion I don't want to do that because I feel like my parents have worked their butts off so that I can make decisions that don't put me in places that aren't really going to help me progress career-wise.

I also need to find a job. Period. Not just any job, a career. So with that, I need to find some company that I can grow in and with. My thing is I know I choose the easier route always. Possibly because I had such a long and ongoing process of finishing my second degree and wanting out each chance I got to think about it. I need to not accept mediocrity, mediocrity in my life and in my friendships. I have to put for the effort to really push for the things I want.

Success takes time. It isn't something that will just happen because I will it to happen. And when I use the word success, I feel like I may use it a little loosely from what America's standards are in success. My American dream is mine. It's not a home with a picket fence. It's not having a super nice and expensive car. It's not owning many possessions. My value of success is operating in the standards of how to further the Kingdom of Heaven. It is how can I bless other people in what the Lord has blessed me in. It is finding ways to do all things to glorify Jesus. That is my American dream. Yes, I want to experience travel, I would like to be married and have kids, and I stupidly have put more than enough stick in having a relationship with a man to be my husband. I really have to learn to live my life as if I will be single and not meet someone I'm gonna marry. Yes, in things that I'm accomplishing for Jesus, will also be the things that will reveal itself in the appropriate times when I am to meet the person I am to be with.

So, in the best way to sum this up, I need to challenge myself. I am ready to get out of my sweats and comb my hair, hop off the couch, turn off the tv and start this race up again. My mind needs to be centered in the word. That has been my downfall. Allowing too much negativity of things going wrong to control my heart in how I need to pick up, move on, and punch the accelerator for my endurance.


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