Single Waiting

I should have hugged him more. Maybe hugged him tighter to let him know I'd miss him instead of pulling away. Written and re-written his goodbye letter to make it feel like it was just a 'see you later' note. Taken the time to be more vulnerable. After all I had nothing to lose. Why did I diminish his honest feelings with childish pranks? I hurt a little more knowing I hurt such a sincere soul. I placed my actual feelings in a box, tucked it away, and blazed through yours. Deep in my heart I don't know if I'll see him later. If I'll see his smiling eyes or the twinkle that comes with it when he laughs and the wrinkles crinkle around his eyes. I don't know if the distance will really separate my heart from him. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, they say. Those who say it must have met a heart like mine. Lumps well up in my throat when I think about many missed opportunities. The time he offered me his hand for help and I deferred it to ...

I found an entry from March where I was trying to write down the details of part of my trip. I'm glad I did because it puts me in that very location and it feels like I never even left. I was learning how to deal with being someone's guest, while also being apart of their lives, and pushing aside the feelings of discomfort. I felt like I was getting pulled in many directions and was losing a sense of what I was there for and kind of feeling pushed against a wall to please everyone else. "I figured it's a good thing I'm not dating anyone while I'm in Italy. While it's a romantic city/country, I know there will still be a ton of cool places we will get to experience together. And while I wish I were on this endeavour with someone I like and want to be with, I needed this short blip of personal independence. Even if I/my everyday habits are beginning to be coddled like an infant. Currently I'm sitting on a park bench, down a relatively secluded street ...